Strippers are gross. They’re sweaty and slimy and only rarely have a heart of gold. The last thing that turns me on are slimy silicone women with their vaginas hanging out of their metallic thongs rubbing their midriffs all over me while business pervs drool and stuff dollar bills into their orifices to the musical stylings of Danity Kane. No. Thank. You.
Machu Picchu
Located high in the Andes of Peru Machu Picchu is definitely way cooler than sex. Built just over 550 years ago it wasn’t discovered until 1911 by Hiram Bingham. First of all, what a badass name, second of all, Macchu Piccu probably got that dude a ton of ass, ergo Machu Picchu > sex.
Oh ok, cool fact about Machu Picchu, my friend went there a few summers ago and said that, like, all the windows and doors were trapezoid shaped because it’s better suited for earthquakes or something.
Ok, that wasn’t that cool of a fact.
Llamas are another reason Machu Picchu is so great. I’d rather ride a llama than have sex any day. Did you know that llamas communicate through a humming noise? I bet you didn’t, you dummy.
I have a poster of Machu Picchu hanging over my bed in my dorm instead of a Playboy fold out, isn’t that proof enough of how much better Machu Picchu is than sex? (ok bad example, but you get the point)
(PS Sorry for the weird alignment on this post, I’m still figuring tumblr out.)
Diaphragms are disgusting. They’re a kind of contraceptive that you literally shove into your vajayjay to cover up the cervix like a bathtub plug. One side is covered in spermacide and if that’s not weird enough you insert it by fingering yourself. Just another reason sex sucks.
Vaginal Odor. ’Nuff said.
Time for a rather informative post, my friends.
When I decided to do a post on Graham crackers I suddenly realized I had no idea what they were. I mean, they’re among my favorite foods in the history of edible things, but what exactly are they made of and how did they come to be? The story behind them is a lot more fitting for this blog than I could ever have imagined.
Apparently Graham crackers were invented by the Reverend Sylvester Graham in 1829 as a part of the Graham diet he developed. You see, our good buddy the Reverend had a theory that the source of many common maladies was the expression of what he called “carnal urges.” In layman’s terms, masturbation. So he created the Graham diet, and as part of it, Graham crackers.
True Graham crackers are made with graham flour, a mix between flour and wheat bran and germ. As narst as that sounds Graham crackers are actually incredibly delicious, one of my favorite foods ever. All in all, in some ways better than sex.
…literally
lawlz.
But seriously this is kinda nasty.
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
fleshlight.
Soup is delicious, there’s no denying that. What some people may deny is that soup is more delicious that intercourse. But just think, when you’re slurping up hot, steamy soup into your mouth and down your throat aren’t you just enjoying every second of it? Don’t you just revel in the delicious mix of spices and vegetables and noodles and meat and broth and oxtail (depending on the soup)? It’s a lot different when you’re slurping warm, steamy, bodily fluids. There’s nothing more pleasant than having something hot, sticky, and delicious running down your throat, unless that something is a bodily fluid. Then it’s just kinda nasty.
Side note:
When I was in grade school my friends and I made up a game called “Soup Tag”. It was just like regular tag except when you tagged someone you had to shout the name of a soup.
I will now proceed to list my favorite kinds of soups:
Tomato Basil - better than fallacio!
Broccoli Cheddar - more delicious than semen!
Cuban Black Bean - less sweaty than a vag!
Split Pea with Ham - tastier than a penis!
Pizza Soup (I don’t know what it’s actually called but it tastes like pizza) - funner than foreplay!
Clam Chowda - less risk of an STD than intercourse!*
*warning: still high risk of an STD
This can happen.
I can’t think of one person who doesn’t like naps. Dr. Mengele, maybe, but let’s face it, he was a huge douche-bag. Naps are just universally loved. It’s no coincidence either, there are only a few things in this world that are better than sleeping for half a REM cycle or so before waking up to take a dump all while the sun is still in the sky.
Here are the different varieties of naps, nearly all of which are way better than sex:
The Food Coma - Everyone is familiar with a food coma. After gorging yourself on any number of food items (soup, jell-o, salt) you are suddenly overcome with a desire to sleep. Giving into that feeling is what we call the “food coma”.
Disco Nap - You come home from a long day of work and/or school and you have a crazy night planned ahead but you need a quick energy boost. That’s where the disco nap comes in. You just take a nap from when you get home until you go out late at night and you’re good to go. This is my personal favorite type of nap.
The “Asleep at the Wheel” Nap - This is the only kind of nap that is not better than sex.
